all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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