remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
