i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
