my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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