My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
