The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
