i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
