At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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