...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
