It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
