And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
