the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
