and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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