he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
