Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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