K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
