Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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