There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
