While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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