youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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