That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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