my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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