my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This baby is an asshole
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
