I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
