so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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