I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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