1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
