I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
