3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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