I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
