oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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