I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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