I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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