I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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