I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
