If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
