thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Houston, we have a blender
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
