I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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