you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
