Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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