I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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