i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
