i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
