Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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