she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
