I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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