remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
