Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
