My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize