you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
