I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Randomize
