They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
