Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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