life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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