my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sobbing to NWA
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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