So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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