You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
