I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
