guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
