Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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