can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
