me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
