She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
