New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
